Good morning all!
It's been awhile since I last posted on my blog. Although in my defense, I only skipped November, because I was writing a NaNoWriMo project. I can't say that I nailed it, however, I did get to 50K and beyond. I was really hoping I could get it to completion. It's pretty close to done, so I'm ok with that.
So, as my facebook poll will show, I'm interested in what kind of information fans look for from their favorite people (authors, actors, and bands). When I post, I try to be engaging. Sometimes it just comes off as gloating, and other times is just the usual same old stuff...book progress, snippets of work I'm pretty sure nobody reads, and the like.
This is about to go beyond my usual work information, so if you're a fan who doesn't want to read personal stuff, close the page...lol
Not many people, family, friend or otherwise know that I suffer from depression. I have since the day I gave birth to my daughter. It's amazing how one of the happiest days of my life (there were five, but who's counting) could bring a person to a feeling of self-loathing. Half the time I post snippets of my work, and very rarely even think anyone is going to read it. I do know I have a few fans who are interested in my Crawford Witch Series, which is awesome! Most of the time I feel like I'm doing this writing thing for no reason.
Becoming an author was never about the money, which is good because who makes money writing? :)
No, it was much more than that. I wanted to do something that kept me involved. I become so involved with my writing that my depression has ceased to exist as badly as it once had. I immerse myself in my writing, and then in reading. Whenever I'm feeling a certain way about things, there are signs. I'm usually writing nonstop or reading an entire series of six books in a week. I also suffer from fibromyalgia. Yes, it is a real thing. When you experience the worst pain of your life, imagine it spreading over your entire body, because that's what I feel. On a daily basis. So when it gets really bad I can't write, or read, because sitting still makes it all worse. Can we top that off with a brain lesion that causes vertigo and migraines? Sure, why not. While we're at it how about that chronic neck pain I was warned I'd have? Yep, add that. So, when all of it acts up at the same time, what do you do?
Well, you can't stop living. You can't decide to not go to work, or not make dinner. You can't decide to not have a conversation with people like your normal because then everyone will know your less than the most put together person they've ever met.
How do you do it all? That's what I'm asked on a daily basis. I'm married to a wonderful man who supports me in everything I want to do, and what I have to do. I'm a mother of four exceptional human beings, who see their mom for the super being she is even with all her faults. That's how all kids see their mom. Even with my full-time job, my writing and my hobbies I still haven't found enough to do to keep the depression at bay.
It's when I go on facebook and see that almost every author friend I have is also a sufferer that I begin to wonder. Is this what all great artists do? We find the medium that works best for the individual, not the other way around.
Robin Williams. A wonderful actor. Died at the hands of himself? Did depression early in life make him pursue a career in acting because he was, let's face it, a comedy God, and then just not work as an outlet for it any longer? So many times we've said as a population that all these great men and women, committed the grievous act of overdosing on drugs and alcohol too because they were rich, and did whatever they wanted. How do we know they didn't just forget how to keep the voices away when the magic wasn't happening? How do we fill the empty void of time when we are not creating?
It's a sad existence. To be admired for what you create and put out for the world to see, and then be judged for the life you live. People only assume that rich and famous people act in these ways because they have the money and means to do it. I say they started to create to keep the time filled with something other than depressive behavior. Then, they were simply given too much free time. Time for the thoughts to spread and take root.
I promise I will not succumb to these feelings inside me. I will keep those thoughts at bay, and fill my days with productive activities. Because no matter what happens in life, there is always a story to write. And my office can stay open 24/7 if need be.
And....that's why I write. Not for the fame or fortune, most people think I'm after. Just for the ability to stay sane. To write a good story and give it to the people so they too, have something to fill the void. Creators must create. It's not something we can ignore. It's just a matter of knowing if a creative person, is also a person who suffers on a daily basis. That art may actually be a product of insanity.